boring update

so allah gave me the chance to continue pursuing my life;im neither breathing or living.that was my subject due at an infinite intervals.whenever it means my 0% self esteem and intelligence is at stake or i haven't notice all these opportunities that were given to me.sudah.jangan bangang sangat.i said that to myself all the time.

im at this stage where i act in accordance,how my dumb brain works.i ought to realise that everyone has many shades,prisms, of themselves be it a visual feast or the solid contrary.merapu lagi lmao.

i still have this burning passion to write.but as you can tell can't find the ideals in my poems or penulisan buahaha.i was writing pretentiously.i had no direct incantations that bear constant cycles in my head of how i should be more descriptive;in a right way.

i care about how people think.but i never solely pondered to connect with them.

and then when i flickered my consciousness of how imbecile tht might seems to everyone(im a pretty annoying overthinker and it shows relentlessly).i complain a lot.susah nak buang tabiat ni.

okay dah.habis jap jap nk tutup ayat nk nampak clever sikit HAHAHAHAHA bangang

i soared my wings that burnt to ashes and i still try 
astaghfirullahalazim teruknya inglis

I don't know?

No pics this time.My thoughts were being unbearable this time.Different pitch in different arrays.My cousins were throwing some stuffed animals well you know im a sucker for patience.It hurts.I feel like using a full size fridge and stuff them in there,after hitting them a couple times with a sledgehammer but yeah.They stopped and im good lol why am i writing this.

Life is good,maybe.I always have to put a barrier on when my thoughts are doing it again.Im tired.How is it an easy thing to do?To snap out of it?Are you kidding me?I broke my leg and you said i have to walk and go on?Oh shit i sound stupid as hell.Well i am stupid.Probably the stupidest human being ever,you can even tell from my expressions.

"she doesn't know anything."

"yeah i am"

I've done a non-numerical calculation on balancing negative and positive thoughts over and over again.Same thing with maths,i feel like giving up halfway,the paper is torn up and i have to keep going.Pressing my calculator all over again,asking for my friends help and still,why am i so dumb?What have i done wrong?

It's just maybe that i was born a failure lol

Spending another two nights here,in my hometown.


No i don't have it.I just,I completely understand how i feels.The darkness that lurks in your guts.The weight that lives in your chest when you halt the tears from flowing.The whimpers of your lost soul,begging to set free.It wanted the new host,that eats you alive,to go away.But it won't.It gets stronger everyday.It feeds off the smile you give,the passion you have,the determination to strive for your goals.Your motivation,is its favourite food.

Nothing tastes better than those,at least for the darkness that builds and engraves it's motto in you.Believe me when i say i imitate whatever it tells me.I have already lost everything that i feel nothing.My wings are not strong enough,to bring me back to where i belong.

It's a beautiful feeling.You wish you can share it with others.The endless dark tunnels it brings you,the glitch of your orientation,those frantic beams of light that hurts your eyes.You no longer wanted it to go away.It's the only friend you have.

You never will see the world the way it is.It's an exquisite lie.Why live when you can be dead?
Again,i don't have it.I just appreciate the ambience.

Does time heal all wounds?

I feel like such a huge hypocrite when all that i can say to comfort someone is "time does heal."Like why?The truth is it doesn't do anything.As long as you find yourself attached to objects that shot the illustration that haunts and eat you alive,it doesn't matter what you do or try,your heart won't let it go.So many alterations could have been done in routines,as it brings nothing in return.

Look,i was stunned in awe when someone alleviated the irrelevant point in the saying "time does heal".A person can still have flashbacks of things for 10 years,an individual can still suffer depression from 5 years and more.It's just when you can't see the world for what it is,accepting the novelty and the bumps that you think is not there but you ended up falling apart because the speed doesn't alleviate the upcoming impact itself.Get it?Oh wow im laughing at myself.Again.

I was contemplating my paths,which are mostly orchestrated by my heart.I wouldn't blame it for understanding more and see less.Oh well,it is a catastrophe anyway.

Still confused and couldn't find the switch to my brain and the trigger to my heart.

Im so sorry for sounding so inarticulate though.See ya.

Keeping my heart from danger

I was wondering if my life is cursed. It's not that that i was defenseless and anxious in keeping up the rocks someone have thrown on my windows.Clearly not the sound of it that bothers me.Im practically used to the ambience itself.I have seen the situation as a whole.The small details do matter though.But it's not ought to be appreciated by someone like me.If i have had a luxurious car,do i want to have cheap permanent stickers on it?Absolutely not.Even if someone would give me everything that i've ever wanted.

Even the ideas to write.

My life.Is a vague canvas consistently being splashed by these tedious colors.I do have brushes on my hips.But the problem is,I don't even have any idea what im painting.Im blaming the scars on my hips for the pain on my temples.It's trainwreck one after another.

Music does explain the missing tracks.The feelings that i have been longing once i have lost track of the puzzles i have to complete.My fingers making sounds on the rocks,shaking uncontrollably on my command silently.

It should have been the paintings,not the artist.The melody and the lyrics.What are they doing for each other.Do they remember the faults and bumps that reappear out of nowhere?How do they mumble under the skin?

Just another pointless post.Excuse my grammar

Should or Should Not

Took a glimpse on my overview.Trying to catch on things that i have might miss out.And.Why do people still read this worthless blog?No u can't just read my old posts.That gives a bad reputation.I was enormously speech and write (everything that i says doesn't make any sense so is this one excuse meh but) impairment.It's not progressingly growing every passing day.I reckon people have lost the trust in the flare of words once their lips open the caskets.And what do they tell me?Sweet lies.

I must have cared so much that I immensely have insane trust issues nowadays.It wasn't about the fact that i've dealt with so much forced repulsion that shut out all those open doors.There isn't any or at least few of them but still.It meant so much to me.I figured out mybe it's the fact that i seem fragile.Any knife would cut me apart?No.You do have me seen in my worst.Because for all the times my smile look plastic i wanted to keep it engraved in my flesh.I lost it a couple of times.Im tired of having feelings.I have tons of mask everyday which make up a lot for the same materials,worth and dead end.

It's my fault for letting everyone towers myself.But i was sick.And hurt.Although it is indeed an amazing view.I just love what the sky has to offer.It's like receiving the warmth and breeze almost everyday.I feel like flying and getting a spot for myself.One day.I almost don't need anything.Well,i hesitantly wanted to lay my agreement.Which is just me rotting subconsciously and feeling like i've done it again.

I thought numbing the pain strucks the effect of the meds deeper.

It's not how i see the world.It's just everything that i do never worth it.

Oh sooooo 

I hope it works someday.